Monday, July 4, 2011

Alone

I was never meant to live alone. Be it genetic, social, innate or learned ....I am uncomfortable, anxious, irrational and sad when I am alone for any extended time. Weekends seem to be the worst. Not that I do not wish that as I near my 65th birthday in a few weeks, that I could retire and not have to continue to work as I have since I was 16 yo.( I have been employed and paid into social security every year since 1962), But now, if I was not working, I would have almost no direct contact with people at all. As it is, almost all of my direct contact is with patients and their families.  Well, I do spend some time with Nick the clerk at the post office since I mail out 3-4 little packages each week....but of course, it is not at all what I want, or what I need to be socially and emotionally healthy. While so many things have been getting better and better for me this past year since I returned home from Boston after nearly dying, I am still no better at living/being alone than I was a year ago.....I have friends who thrive on being by themselves, who delight in being alone and being left alone. I am not like that. There is nothing anyone has said or could say that can help. Most of the time when I am at my home, I feel like an animal locked in a cage in a zoo where the keeper has forgotten that I am there. I know this may someday change. I know this may never change. I do not know which of these it will be. I only know for certain that I was never meant to live alone.

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